If We Fall in the Forest
by thatTWWgirl
Summary: "Just tell me we're not going to be burning pictures of him, or doing naked pow-wows or satanic chanting or something." "No, CJ. We're not having a séance." "Good. Though on second thought, the naked pow-wow on its own is a maybe."
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I know I know I know I know I have no business starting another new fic right now but _listen_. Wouldn't you rather I post what I've got than not post at all?**

 **That's a rhetorical question, unless the answer is 'Yes, of course! You're so right!' Lmao.**

 **I'm also doubly sorry because I'm writing another breakup fic. But I like this one a lot better than _Last Year,_ and hopefully you will too. This one is set mid-season five also, but the events leading up to this story are much different, as you'll see.**

 **Okay. Sorry sorry sorry. Now, onward.**

 **Disclaimer: I may not be Sorkin, but I'm about to put these characters through hell just like he taught me.**

 **Reviews: Yes please always! Please go easy on my messy self :')**

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 _The same to me are sombre days and gay._

 _Though joyous dawns the rosy morn, and bright,_

 _Because my dearest love is gone away_

 _Within my heart is melancholy night._

 _My heart beats low in loneliness, despite_

 _That riotous Summer holds the earth in sway._

 _In cerements my spirit is bedight;_

 _The same to me are sombre days and gay._

 _Though breezes in the rippling grasses play,_

 _And waves dash high and far in glorious might,_

 _I thrill no longer to the sparkling day,_

 _Though joyous dawns the rosy morn, and bright._

 _Ungraceful seems to me the swallow's flight;_

 _As well might Heaven's blue be sullen gray;_

 _My soul discerns no beauty in their sight_

 _Because my dearest love is gone away._

 _Let roses fling afar their crimson spray,_

 _And virgin daisies splash the fields with white,_

 _Let bloom the poppy hotly as it may,_

 _Within my heart is melancholy night._

 _And this, oh love, my pitiable plight_

 _Whenever from my circling arms you stray;_

 _This little world of mine has lost its light ..._

 _I hope to God, my dear, that you can say_

 _The same to me._

 _-Dorothy Parker_

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It's a comparatively slow Monday morning for CJ. Her first briefing of the day had gone well, aside from one overly cosmetic question about the First Lady which had irked her (though of course she would never show it), and she had just finished up a senior staff meeting that was overall quite dull. Dull in a good way, of course - she'd much rather debate the intricacies of education policy with her coworkers than spend the morning in disaster-relief mode. She even had the good fortune of a few minutes to herself to pick up a cup of coffee and a Danish from the mess, which she takes back to her office to enjoy in peace. She's just taking her second bite when her phone rings.

She seriously considers ignoring it. But she didn't sacrifice six years of her life to half ass this job, or even 99% ass this job, so she sighs and picks up, brushing Danish crumbs from her lips as if whoever is on the other end can see her.

"CJ Cregg." She greets.

Her caller doesn't bother introducing herself. "What are you doing this weekend?"

CJ perks up instantly. "Donna Moss?"

"Who else?"

CJ chuckles despite herself. "It may shock you to learn that a lot of people call me at work on the daily, Donna, darling."

"It does. What is it you do again? Phone sex operator?"

"Oh no, you know that's just a hobby."

Donna once might've laughed wildly at this comment, but today CJ can hear only the faintest trace of a smile in her voice. "Why do you always say my last name?"

"What, Moss? I don't know, Donna Moss just rolls off the tongue. I'm not the only one who says it all the time." She regrets saying this, because she immediately remembers who it is she'd picked up this endearing habit from. If the pause on the other end of the line is anything to go by, Donna remembers too. At least she hadn't said Donnatella.

"Anyway. What are you doing this weekend, CJ Cregg?"

CJ sighs, and leans back in her chair. Absently, she picks up her coffee and swills it. "Oh, you know. Work. I'm hoping to get my first haircut in months on Saturday, but who knows if-"

"That was a rhetorical question, CJ. Obviously."

"It was?"

"You're hanging out with me this weekend."

"Oh. Well I didn't know." CJ smiles warmly. "Are we possibly getting our hair done?"

"We're not."

"It doesn't matter what it is, I'll make the time. You have no idea how much I miss you. The West Wing is pretty much a bubble of testosterone these days."

"Gross. Don't pop it."

CJ laughs, that full throated laugh that warms Donna to her core. "I miss our little talks."

CJ had had no idea when she decided to take an eager and trembling young assistant under her wing, that she'd be getting a best friend for life. Whereas their bond could've been explained away by the fact that they were the two women most often "in the room," that simply wasn't it. CJ hadn't gotten as close to any of the other assistants, nor to any mid-level staffers. She and Donna were something of kindred spirits, both tall bombshells weighed down by hefty intelligence and mild social awkwardness. One cared too much what others thought of her and the other perhaps too little, but both were strong women capable of taking the world by storm - and together, they often did.

Donna was that rare combination of bitingly fierce and genuinely kind, and from the first " _Joshua, sit down, shut up, and eat a goddamn banana_ ," CJ had fallen in love with her and never fallen out of it. Their differences in age and education level simply didn't matter - but then, most of the senior staffers felt that way about Donna. She could hold her own, and she had made herself part of the family.

Until recently, that is.

"I do too." Donna confesses softly. "But, you'll be pleased to know, we can have plenty of them this weekend! That's the whole idea."

"Okay. So we're just hanging out? A night in, maybe some wine, popcorn, and _Working Girl_?"

"That's not exactly what I had in mind."

"A different Harrison Ford movie, then."

"Actually," Donna takes a deep breath, and forces cheer into her tone. "I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go hiking this weekend?"

CJ hesitates, her lips on the rim of her coffee cup. She slowly lowers the mug to her desk. "I'm sorry, I must've heard you wrong. It sounded like you said-"

"Hiking. But, actually, more like backpacking. Of course that includes hiking, it just also includes us not returning home at night."

CJ aims an incredulous look at someone, but there's no one in the room, so she aims it at her computer screen. It should know how ridiculous this situation is. "Donna. You're kidding, right?"

"I'm not. I've got us entry passes for a stop on the Appalachian Trail and everything."

"The Appalachian Trail?" CJ repeats numbly. She can feel a cluster headache start to form behind her eyes.

"Yeah. We'll enter in Northern Virginia, hike south for a day, spend a night, hike a little more, turn around, start back, spend a night, and then hike back in the morning. Easy."

CJ rubs her forehead, her eyes falling shut. "You seem to have really planned this out."

"You can take Friday off, can't you?"

"I have no idea! The country doesn't really give me notice when it wants to throw a hissy fit about something."

"CJ, I don't mean to bruise your ego or anything, but I think the country can cope without you for a day."

CJ pouts. "I wouldn't be so sure."

"Plus, no one around there would dare question you needing a few days off. You know Leo would give it to you in a heartbeat, CJ, all you have to do is ask."

She hates that she's right. "Donna, I feel I should bring up the obvious."

"What?"

"Neither of us can backpack!"

"Sure we can. It's just like walking, but in nature and with a heavy bag."

"You hate nature. I hate nature."

"I don't hate nature. I'm just not overly... Familiar with it, that's all."

"Well, I'm as familiar as I want to be. And I hate it."

"Aren't you dating some park ranger?"

"Hey, he doesn't start taking questions from the press, I don't wander around in the woods. That's why we work."

"If you're worried about equipment, I know a guy at a recreation center who's willing to rent us stuff at a really great rate."

"Why is it that you seem to 'know a guy' in every conceivable place?"

"I've been told I make friends wherever I go." Donna says, but she lacks her usual brightness and sass.

"This is true." CJ says idly.

"C'mon, it'll be fun. A couple of big city girls roughing it for a couple of days, having deep conversations and some not so deep conversations about nothing. We can stare at the stars and complain about work."

"Donna..."

"I need a break from this town." Donna confesses in a rush. A ten minute walk away, she sits at her desk, staring into a similarly cold cup of coffee. She fingers the hem of her over large sweater, and is ashamed at the tears pooling suddenly in her eyes. "I... I have to get out of here. I can't breathe here. I need some space, some time, to think, to sort out everything I..." She sniffles. "I just need a break, CJ. And I know you need one too."

CJ's face creases in a deep frown of sympathy. Hesitantly, she says, "Donna, if this is about getting over a certain ex-boyfriend-who-shall-not-be-named..."

"It's not." Donna says immediately, and hastily wipes at her eyes. "It's not, CJ."

"Okay."

"Except for the fact that, yes, it is. It's a little bit about that. Or a lot, I don't know."

CJ sighs. "Donna," she intones softly.

"I know. But, listen, I have to try something. Anything. I have to move on, and people say it takes time, but I don't want to spend any more time feeling like _this_." Her voice is ragged and spent. She sniffs again, and even CJ's eyes start to water in empathy. Finally, Donna pleads in a small voice, "Please, CJ. I've just gotta get out of here."

CJ bites her lip. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yes. I'll come."

"Oh, I'm so glad!" Donna cries enthusiastically, though it's hard to recover from her previous display of vulnerability.

"Just tell me we're not going to be burning pictures of him, or doing naked pow-wows or satanic chanting or something."

Donna laughs. It's a small laugh, but it's a real one this time. "No, CJ. We're not having a séance."

"Good. Though on second thought, the naked pow-wow on its own is a maybe."

"I'll add it to the itinerary."

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By Thursday, all of the preparations have been made. CJ has double checked the route, and had even asked Ben for some first-time backpacker advice. He had laughed at her, of course, as the idea of CJ hiking was more than a little funny to him, but eventually he calmed down enough to tell her she'd be fine, as long as she followed a few simple rules and kept her head about her.

She'd been to an outdoor recreation store with Donna to stock up on proper hiking attire. They bought a couple pairs of dry-fit pants and woolen socks each, but decided the rest of the expensive gear wasn't worth it for a three day trip. They already had windbreakers and fleeces, surely the high tech ones couldn't be much better. CJ had also been fitted for a pair of exceptionally functional and fashionable hiking boots, splurging more than $200 on them. She had justified it to Donna (and herself) by saying that she would start hiking with Ben after this, but in truth, she just really loves to buy shoes.

Leo had of course acquiesced to her request for three days off, but CJ had been able to keep the trip pretty quiet otherwise. That is, until Thursday morning, when the one thing she'd been dreading the most happens mere hours before she can make her escape.

They're gathered in Leo's office, running through the agenda for the day.

"We can throw that out with the trash tomorrow. CJ, slip it into the briefing towards the end, so we can..." He frowns, and rubs his forehead. "Oh, I'm sorry, CJ. I forgot."

CJ flinches visibly. "Don't worry about it."

"Forgot what?" Toby asks.

Leo looks back down at the memo in his hand, absently adjusting his spectacles. "CJ won't be here tomorrow."

"Why?" Josh joins in.

CJ wants to turn tail and run. "I'm going out of town."

"What for?"

"A trip."

"Where?"

"Could you possibly continue this conversation out of my office?" Leo asks as his phone starts ringing. The staffers mumble their assent and pile into the hallway.

CJ tries to escape to her office as quickly as possible, but she should know by now that few people on earth can walk faster than the White House deputy chief of staff, who pops up at her shoulder like an annoying little brother.

"Where ya going this weekend?"

She doesn't look at him. She attempts her usual cool CJ nonchalance. "Virginia."

"Virginia? Why?"

"If you must know, I'm going hiking." She says primly. "Well, backpacking, which includes hiking, of course, but-"

Josh's face lights up with mischievous glee, only enhancing his annoying little brother air. " _You're_ going hiking?"

"Backpacking."

"You know that's in the outdoors, right?"

She glares at him. "I'm aware."

He chuckles, thoroughly enjoying this moment. "You sure you're ready for this?"

"I've gotta say, this line of inquiry seems rather sexist." She misdirects.

He rolls his eyes. "Are you going with Ben?"

"No, I'm not. I'm going with... A friend."

She knows that she doesn't pull this line off with ease, because he tenses up, too. He follows her into her office, his smile flickering. "Which friend?"

She hugs her folder to her chest. "A friend." She repeats feebly.

All of the humor is gone from his face now. Even as she refuses to meet his eyes, she knows that he knows. "CJ."

"I'm going with Donna, okay? Donna and I are going backpacking this weekend. There." She sighs, and finally raises her eyes to his. Contrarily, Josh looks away from her, his hands on his hips. She watches him try, vainly, to look as if he hasn't just suffered a body blow.

"Oh," is all he says.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, it's just hard trying to navigate this whole neutrality thing, and I didn't know how you'd react, and..." She trails off lamely. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." He looks small in that moment. He is no longer the Josh of constant movement and overzealous hand gestures, but one who has finally been pinned down by something. She thinks it might be grief. "She wants to go _hiking_?" He repeats incredulously.

She smiles softly. "Yeah. It was her idea."

"She doesn't like outdoorsy stuff."

CJ shrugs. "We're trying something new."

"Is she-"

"She's okay, Josh." She interrupts him, anticipating his question. His eyes flash guiltily. "She just wants to get away for a while. You understand that, right?"

He gives her a twisted smile. "No."

She shakes her head. Of course he doesn't. He's never had the urge to leave DC; but then, he runs away in a different fashion. He runs headlong into work. "You know how Donna is, Josh. She's always coming up with some new plan to change her life. One week it's a juice cleanse, the next it's meditation. Sometimes they stick, sometimes they don't. And right now, she wants to go hiking."

He frowns, looking away wistfully. He remembers a time when she would've enthused about this new life overhaul to him, and perhaps even cajoled him into joining her. He'd tried the damn meatless Mondays thing with her for a month; he would've gone hiking if she'd asked.

There's not much he wouldn't do if she asked.

"I like that about her." He confesses distractedly. He even smiles slightly. "I like that she always had hope that things would be better."

CJ gives him an infinitely sympathetic look. "She still does."

"That's... That's good."

"Yeah. Anyway, I'm excited about it."

Josh tries to regain some of his usual humor. "You guys won't be, like, burning pictures of me and dancing around the bonfire, right?"

CJ shoots him a glare, but is secretly amused at how similar his words are to hers earlier in the week. "Believe it or not, not everything is about you, Joshua."

He shrugs. "Just making sure."

She sobers her gaze and looks at him intently, reaching out to place one hand on his arm. "Don't let it bother you too much, okay?"

"Why would it bother me?" He attempts to sound breezy, but CJ's look cuts through him. "It _shouldn't_ bother me," he corrects, and by that he's also saying, _but it does._

Everything she does bothers him these days, because she's doing it without him. It hurts him to pass her on the street, because he knows that she's going somewhere she won't tell him about, that she's living a day she won't relive for him that night, and that she won't be coming home that night at all.

"Hey, look on the bright side. At least she's spending the weekend with me, not with some other guy." She can tell immediately that she's touched a nerve. She's right of course, but it's the thought that there _could_ be other guys, whether now or in the near future, that makes his stomach hurt. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"Just, don't do anything stupid this weekend, okay?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know, get hammered, sleep with your ex-girlfriend, steal a car. Leave twelve messages on Donna's answering machine."

"All valid tips." He mumbles. "She didn't appreciate that last one so much, did she?"

"I'm not getting into this with you, Josh."

"Okay. I know, I'm sorry."

She sighs. "Just, take care of yourself, okay? I doubt I'll have cell service and we both know Toby isn't the most emotionally available, so just... Please."

He gives her a wry smile. "I'll try."

"Okay." She takes her hand off his arm and goes to her desk, assuming they've said all that needs to be said.

"Well, have fun this weekend, I guess."

"Thanks." She flashes him a smile. "I'll try."

He hesitates in her doorway. "And, just... Don't hurt yourselves, okay?"

She gives him a knowing look. "I'll take care of her, Josh. That's what friends are for."

He isn't sure whether she's referring to her role as Donna's friend or his, but perhaps it works both ways. "Thanks, CJ."

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If CJ and Donna hadn't worked in DC for the past six years, their morning on Friday might be considered unbearably early. CJ picks Donna up at her new apartment, which isn't really her apartment so much as a coworker's who'd had an empty room at the time of _the breakup_ , and they're on the road by six. They stop at Starbucks, because they're not totally beyond the confines of consumerist culture yet, and as CJ drives toward the Virginia border, Donna details their provisions.

"I brought edamame."

"Like, soy beans?"

"Yeah. But they're more like nuts. I've got lightly salted and wasabi."

CJ shrugs. "I guess that's better than starving to death."

"I've got canned soup-"

"A can opener?"

"Dammit, I knew I forgot something." Donna deadpans.

"Ah. You're joking. I see." CJ says, her thoughts elsewhere.

"CJ, what's up?"

"What? Oh. Um." CJ keeps her eyes on the road, her jaw clenching and unclenching. "Well. The thing is..."

"What?"

"I just thought maybe I should tell you that Josh knows about this weekend."

CJ glances away from the road briefly to gauge Donna's reaction. She's slumped back into her seat, all of the air having left her lungs. "Oh," is all she says. She and her ex-boyfriend seem to have similar difficulty forming complete sentences these days.

"Not that it really matters, but, I don't know. It felt like the kind of thing I should tell you. Again, this whole neutrality thing is-"

"It's okay, CJ."

"I wasn't going to tell him, actually. But Leo mentioned that I was going away this weekend during a staff meeting, and... You know."

"Yeah." She agrees idly. She takes her coffee from the cup holder and clasps it to her chest, hoping the warmth will spread through her.

"He's - I know it's not my place, but you know he's pretty broken up too, right?"

"CJ, don't-"

"And he's worried about you."

Donna snorts bitterly. "Ironic. _Now_ he's concerned."

CJ bites her lip. "Okay. No more. I get it."

"Not until we're a couple miles deep in the Virginian wilderness, no, thank you."

CJ smiles softly. "Okay."

Donna reaches out and turns up the radio, which is currently playing Joan Jett. "Can we put the windows down?"

CJ hesitates. Normally she'd be concerned with the wind messing up her hair, but then she realizes, why should she care? She's about to trek into the woods with her best friend, not go on national television. The feeling is oddly liberating. "You bet."

Donna smiles. She rests her head against the door and lets the wind whip the worry from her face. The cold numbs her, from her nose to her fingertips. She thinks about how she could learn to love nature.

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 **Okay. Sorry sorry sorry. We should be back to our regularly scheduled programming just as soon as my brain decides to sit still for five minutes.**

 **Hopefully you're maybe at least a little bit into this? I really want to continue this at some point.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Soooooo I'm kind of head over heels for this fic? It was an accident, I swear. I just finally found my angst rhythm, which I've been trying to do for years.**

 **Anyway, here's chapter two. Fair warning: this whole fic is going to be pretty heavy on the angst side, and it's going to get dark very quickly. I hope that appeals to some of you.**

 **By the way, I've decided to include a love poem at the start of every chapter! I've added a great one by Dorothy Parker to the first chapter, if you want to go back and read it :)**

 **Also, some song selections for this chapter: _You're On My Mind_ by The Animals (included), and _Lost_ by Anouk. Currently working with a tech friend to see if I can somehow force you to listen to them while reading. Jkjk;)**

 **This fic includes a weird amount of poetry and song references, because I'm feeling weirdly artsy lately. Sorry not sorry.**

 **Thanks for all of the feedback so far! I hope you guys enjoy this next chapter.**

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 _I do not know where either of us can turn_

 _Just at first, waking from the sleep of each other._

 _I do not know how we can bear_

 _The river struck by the gold plummet of the moon,_

 _Or many trees shaken together in the darkness._

 _We shall wish not to be alone_

 _And that love were not dispersed and set free—_

 _Though you defeat me,_

 _And I be heavy upon you._

 _But like earth heaped over the heart_

 _Is love grown perfect._

 _Like a shell over the beat of life_

 _Is love perfect to the last._

 _So let it be the same_

 _Whether we turn to the dark or to the kiss of another;_

 _Let us know this for leavetaking,_

 _That I may not be heavy upon you,_

 _That you may blind me no more._

 _-Louise Bogan_

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It's ironic, Donna reflects, that it should have been Valentine's Day that totally ruined her. Not because Valentine's Day held no significance for her, because it always has - she loves Valentine's Day in the same way that she loves all holidays, and relishes them as a chance for celebration, sentimentality, and reflection. As a child, she loved the way her parents were less careful about displays of affection on February fourteenth than on any other day, and she longed for the day when she, too, would have someone to indulge her feelings for on the same day.

No, it was ironic because of how little _he_ cared about Valentine's Day. He had always shown a disdain for the over saccharine and consumerist tendencies of the holiday, and never bothered to celebrate except for in the most perfunctory of ways. He sent women flowers, he paid for dinner. He did just enough for his relationship to survive the holiday, but not enough to show any true originality or investment.

When their first Valentine's Day rolled around, she expected it to be much the same as all of his previous ones (he had never made it to a second Valentine's Day with anyone). She expected this not because she was the same as any other woman to him, but because that's just who he was. He showed his love in unconventional ways, at unconventional times.

And besides, they'd only been together for less than a month by mid-February, as they'd gotten together on the night of the inauguration. Even later than that, if they were speaking in terms of an actual first date.

On the morning of the fourteenth, he kissed her good morning (they didn't really spend nights apart by that point), he rolled out of bed and he made her coffee. She thought that was sweet. Another one of his little unconventional displays of love, that only she might recognize.

She found flowers on her desk, as she expected. She smiled at them, all the same. The card read, _"I hate Valentine's Day, but you love it, so, here."_

She thought that was hilarious. Only Josh would send a woman flowers with a card that said " _here_." She read this in the same tone he might use when slapping down a folder of information to be summarized on her desk, back when she used to work for him.

He couldn't do lunch, but he did leave an apologetic message on her machine that said, " _Hey, you can always eat a really expensive meal by yourself, and I'll pay the bill. Just let me know."_

She thought that was hilarious too. She faxed him the receipt for her six dollar salad. He thought _that_ was hilarious.

When they met up for dinner that night at his office, he handed her a wrapped present, looking oddly nervous. She opened it. It was a book, Walt Whitman's _Leaves of Grass._ She furrowed her brow in confusion, in much the same way she had at _The Art and Artistry and Alpine Skiing,_ and looked up at him. By then, he was halfway out the door.

" _Where are you going?"_

 _"I have to go."_

 _"What?"_

 _"Listen. I just have to go."_

 _"We have dinner reservations in twenty minutes."_

 _"I don't mean_ go _go, just, go for two minutes, go."_

 _"What?"_

He stepped back inside, looking like it cost him very dearly to do so. He shifted from foot to foot anxiously. _"I mean, I have to go, because I wrote something inside, and I can't be here while you read it."_

" _Why not?"_

 _"Because."_

She smiled slightly. " _You're not breaking up with me through this book, are you?"_

He sighed. " _No. Just read it. But let me leave first."_

 _"Josh."_

 _"This is like how I gave you that book for Christmas one year, and I wrote something really emotional in it, and then you got really emotional reading it, and I got uncomfortable."_

 _"You wrote something really emotional in here?"_ She said eagerly, her eyes sparkling.

" _Please let me leave."_

 _"Fine,"_ she agreed, rolling her eyes. He breathed a sigh of relief and stepped into the hallway.

She had expected from him today, at best, a drug-store card in which he'd written an ironic inscription making fun of the card itself. But he'd surprised her. What she held in her hands was nothing short of a love letter.

 _Donnatella,_

 _I don't really get poetry, but you do, so, here_. (She thought this was hilarious.) _And even if I don't get poetry, I know this guy writes killer love poems._

 _You showed me this one poem recently (I don't remember which one, I'm sorry), and told me it reminded you of me (I'm flattered, by the way), and then you told me how annoying it was to have poetry remind you of me._

 _I should tell you that everything reminds me of you._

 _Probably the most irritating part of falling in love with you is that love songs have started to make sense, and they're all about you. That certainly complicated things back when you worked for me._

 _A few years ago, that song The Way I Feel Inside by the Zombies was playing in my car, and you said "You like this song?" and you sounded surprised, and I said, "I like this song."_

 _Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Josh, that's a really weird and boring conversation to remember, but what I meant, and what I hoped you'd get, when I said "I like this song," was "This song is about you."_

 _I know. I ask way too much of you._

 _Which is why I'm going to make this abundantly clear: I love you._

 _Anyway. All of the poems in here remind me of you, though I'm doubtless reading them wrong, because everything reminds me of you. You're my whole life._

 _Sorry, I can't write. You're probably wishing at this point that you were with Sam._

 _I was thinking about giving you a key to my apartment today, but then I remembered you already have one, so I guess I'll just ask you to move in with me. Or we can move somewhere else. I don't know. Basically what I'm saying is you're welcome to my whole life (because you are my whole life)._

 _Alright. That's enough embarassing myself for today. If this is the worst Valentine's Day gift you've ever gotten, there are also earrings._

 _Love,_

 _Josh_

As it turned out, she wouldn't rather be with Sam, or Toby, or Will, or any man who could write beautiful prose at a moment's notice. Men like that could compose gorgeous words for any woman, but Josh only accidentally stumbled onto beauty because of how much he loved her. He couldn't fake that.

" _Josh_ ," She called thickly, tears welling in her eyes.

He appeared around the doorframe, sheepish. " _I can come in now?"_

 _"Please."_ She pulled him into a hug, kissing his cheek once.

He smiled hesitantly. " _Good crying, right?"_

 _"I love you so much."_

 _"Oh, thank god."_

That was the moment she knew there was no going back. She gave herself over to him entirely. She knew that no matter what happened, she would never get over him.

 _Not for lack of trying_ , she mused bitterly as she stepped over a tree branch.

The man who'd given her that book seemed so different from the one who had traded such vicious remarks with her two months ago. She didn't know which man to believe, the one standing in front of her or the one who'd offered her his entire life. In the weeks since their break-up, he's tried relentlessly to convince her that they're one and the same, but for her the split is too ingrained. Recently, she's starting to reconcile the two, but it's taking time.

It's hour two of the great backpacking extravaganza of 2003, and she and CJ have fallen into an easy rhythm. The first hour was spent chattering excitedly, about their surroundings and their level of preparedness. In hour two, they talked a little bit about superficial goings on their life, but then faded into quietude, admiring the scenic route. The silence allowed Donna a little too much time to muse.

"Donna! Watch out, there's a-" CJ lunges forward to grab her friend's arm, and winces when she hits the ground despite her best efforts. "-tree root."

"Shit." Donna mutters, twisting to sit up as CJ kneels beside her.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine." She says through gritted teeth. She rolls up her pant leg to look at her shin, which she'd hit on the offending root. It hadn't broken the skin, but she's sure to have a nasty bruise later.

"You sure? I can carry you the rest of the way."

Donna smiles, almost forgetting her pain. "Sounds good, actually."

CJ laughs. "Okay." She helps Donna to her feet, which is difficult given the heavy packs they both sport.

Donna dusts herself off, mildly embarassed. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

"Yeah. That's okay." CJ watches her carefully. Once she's ensured she's really okay, they set off again. "You were humming, back there."

Donna looks back at her, but then immediately returns her gaze to the path, wary. "What?"

"You were humming."

"Oh. I was?"

"Yeah." CJ says in a reserved tone.

Donna's heart sinks in realization. She'd been humming _The Way I Feel Inside_. "Oh. Sorry about that."

"Don't be."

"Do you want to start talking again?"

That might be for the best. "Okay."

"Okay. Something light?"

CJ smiles softly. She knows her friend's thoughts had been anything but light. "Okay. Have you seen the trailer for that new movie, _Love, Actually?_ "

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CJ's absence on Friday grates on Josh more than he'd care to admit. He finds himself staring into the space where she might be beside him in senior staff, wondering at her current whereabouts. He resents that she now has the privilege he'd lost - spending time with Donna. Being her constant companion.

It's not that Donna necessarily wouldn't have gone camping with CJ while they were together ( _except, of course she wouldn't have_ , the egotistical side of him grumbles irritably), but for the most part, what time they could spare on the weekend was reserved for each other. _He_ used to be her adventure companion, whether this meant accidentally getting locked in a museum after hours, or driving late into the night to get to the nearest place where she could watch the sunrise on the ocean.

She made his life so much more interesting.

He thinks about her forging through the Virginian wildlife, swearing at twigs catching her hair and whining for him to carry her pack or possibly even carry her. Except he isn't there. The thought makes him ache, even though he knows she can manage it alone.

He hadn't impressed upon her enough that he thought her capable of doing anything, single-handedly.

Today, the closest he'd come to an adventure was leaning into Toby's office and asking him if he wanted to get drunk tonight. Toby had looked up at him with his signature frown.

"You've got to promise me you won't talk about your feelings."

Josh shrugged. "Couldn't if I wanted to."

"Okay. It's a deal."

But come four o'clock, Toby had walked into his office, looking panicked. "Hey, I'm taking off for the day, and I can't do anything tonight."

"Why, what's up?"

"Huck has appendicitis. It's perfectly treatable, of course, but he has to go through surgery, and he's so small, and-"

Josh held up a hand. "What are you doing standing here talking to me? Go, man."

Toby had flashed him a grateful look and disappeared.

Now, Josh sits alone in his car, headed home despite the fact that it's only six o'clock. The President had dismissed them for the night, claiming it was a slow day and there wasn't much they were going to get done without two of their senior staffers, anyway.

Josh wishes Leo hadn't walked him out to the parking lot. He could've stayed in his office. Bur then, maybe Leo had been onto him.

He takes his time in leaving the parking lot. He does not put in his Zombies CD, which Donna would probably claim is her Zombies CD, but instead the Animals' _Animalisms_ and finds the fifth track, the song that's been on his mind, _You're On My Mind_.

 _Monday Friday  
Weekday Holiday Yeah  
Every single empty day  
You're on my mind  
Yeah, you are my mind_  
 _Ireland Germany  
When I'm away you, I say  
Every lonely place I go  
You're on my mind  
Oh yeah, you're on my mind  
I tried forgettin' you  
Tried to maintain my cool  
But the existence of you affects my life  
If you would forget the past  
And maybe someday take me back  
I'd rest easy in my bed tonight  
You know I'd say now  
Daytime nighttime  
Good_ _times bad times...  
_

He feels bad for CJ, he muses as he pulls out of the parking lot. She's caught in the crossfire, and has tried so hard to toe the line of neutrality that's it's almost painful to watch. She's made it abundantly clear that she loves them both, and in so doing has had to take care of them both more than a few times over the past two months.

He remembers when she'd found him on her office couch one morning.

" _Agh!_ "

He opened his eyes blearily, to find CJ in the doorway, one hand on her heart. " _Oh, hey, CJ."_

" _Jesus Christ, idiot boy!"_

" _Sorry_." He muttered sheepishly, slowly sitting up. " _I didn't mean to scare you._ "

She frowned, likely at the sorry state he was in. " _What are you doing in here?"_

" _Well, Toby forbid me from sleeping on his couch, so..."_

 _"What are you doing sleeping in the office at all?"_

His eyes darkened. " _I had work to do."_

 _"Josh."_

 _"I don't want to go home."_

 _"Josh,"_ she repeated, her voice more sympathetic this time. _"It's been a week."_

He looked away from her. " _CJ, I just... Hate being there. Everything reminds me of her."_

 _"She got her stuff two days ago._ " CJ pointed out.

Ah. What she'd heard was _everything_ in my apartment _reminds me of her._ But that's not what he'd said, nor what he meant. _Everything reminds me of her. "Still_."

She sat down beside him. " _Josh..."_

 _"I know. I'll go home."_

 _"At least take a shower, okay?"_

He smiled wryly. He didn't know how to tell her that that was one of the hardest parts.

He remembered Donna climbing into the shower with him, even on mornings when she didn't have to be up until hours after him. He remembered the way the apartment smelled when she showered, a mix of those countless bath products that he couldn't identify a purpose for if he tried. He remembered the way she sang in the shower when she was happy. He remembered watching her rub lotion into her long legs while still in her towel, only for her to look up and smile, having caught him staring.

He didn't know how to tell CJ that fucking _warmth_ reminded him of Donna.

" _Okay. I will."_

He stops at a stoplight, wondering what he could possibly do tonight. He thinks about how she had once told him that she wouldn't stop for red lights. He thinks about not stopping for this red light.

He thinks about taking his foot off the brake, and rolling into the oncoming traffic. He wonders how many lights she'd stop for on the way to the hospital. He wonders if she'd even come this time.

His train of thought is interrupted by a chorus of honking. He looks up to see the light has changed. He sighs and idles into the intersection. He turns off his car's heating. It's too warm in here.

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 **As you might be able to tell, I really like the song _The Way I Feel Inside_ for J/D because I've now included it in two fics haha.**

 **Anyway, everything is sad now and everything will probably be sad next chapter and the next one but hey I'm going to start explaining their breakup soon so uhh stay tuned for more sadness! And some slight humor because, hey, it's CJ and Donna in the woods so some funny things are bound to happen.**

 **Sorry for the depressing Monday update! Let me know what you think.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey guys! Another chapter of my most depressing fic is up! Sorry in advance. If it helps, I plan to make it less depressing relatively soon.**

 **I really love this fic for some reason, even if it's not as popular as _EDC_ or _The Formative Years._ You could say it's my pet fic right now. Thanks for indulging me. **

**Love you guys!**

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 _Our embrace lasted too long._

 _We loved right down to the bone._

 _I hear the bones grind, I see_

 _our two skeletons._

 _Now I am waiting_

 _till you leave, till_

 _the clatter of your shoes_

 _is heard no more. Now, silence._

 _Tonight I am going to sleep alone_

 _on the bedclothes of purity._

 _Aloneness_

 _is the first hygienic measure._

 _Aloneness_

 _will enlarge the walls of the room,_

 _I will open the window_

 _and the large, frosty air will enter,_

 _healthy as tragedy._

 _Human thoughts will enter_

 _and human concerns,_

 _misfortune of others, saintliness of others._

 _They will converse softly and sternly._

 _Do not come anymore._

 _I am an animal_

 _very rarely._

-Anna Swir

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"So, how are things with Ben?"

She asks the question at just the right time. The long day of trekking is just winding down. They covered a lot of ground today, nearly eleven miles, and they're exhausted. Three spider bites, one snake sighting, and a long tussle with a tent later, they're almost unsurprised to find themselves ready to turn in for the night by seven o'clock. They're sat around the dying embers of their campfire, which they'd used to cook canned soup. For dessert, they're passing a bag of dried apricots back and forth. The stars are just starting to peak through the dusty sky, and the trees are singing a faint hymn on the wind.

By asking this, she's signaling, _it's time for the heavy lifting. If I can ask about your life, you can ask about mine._

"Oh." CJ sounds mildly surprised by her inquiry, as if she'd almost forgotten about Ben entirely. "They're... Good."

Donna doesn't even have to look at her to convey her skepticism. "Good, huh?"

CJ sighs. "I don't know. He's a good guy. I like being with him, I do. Really. But, it's just..."

"Forgive me, but that sounds like a pretty weak defense of a relationship you couldn't care less about."

CJ forces down a laugh at Donna's blunt insightfulness. "I do care about him, it's just..."

"He's a nice guy. At least, that's what you've been telling me. So what's the problem?"

"I don't know." CJ shrugs listlessly. "I just feel like I'm going through the motions, you know? I've been here before. It doesn't feel like anything different, or new. I kept telling myself I needed to get a life out of work, and that's why I've been pursuing this, but... If I was being honest with myself? Choosing between him and the job..."

"The job wins out every time?"

CJ gives a small nod. "In a landslide."

"Well, you can't be so sure that that's him." Donna reasons. She does, after all, have some very close experience with dating a White House workaholic. "You didn't want to compromise your job for Danny, but he was something new, and he was different, right? He's always been that 'if things were different' guy."

"That's true." CJ acknowledges. "But that was the integrity of my entire career. With Ben, it's like... Sometimes being with him isn't any more gratifying than a night in with some briefing memos."

A smile bubbles on Donna's lips. "The sex is that bad?"

CJ laughs out loud. "That's not what I meant, Donna Moss, and you know it."

"I know, I'm sorry." She reins in her chuckling.

CJ tilts her head, considering. "Though, now that you mention it..."

Donna points a finger at her. "I knew it!"

CJ shakes her head at Donna's antics. "It's not that it's bad. We're just not... I don't know. I won't minimize the importance of actively _wanting_ someone, and with Ben, it's just..."

"He's no more appealing than briefing memos?"

CJ grins. "I'm not saying that. I'm saying we never had that chemistry, you know? We've never been unable to keep our hands off each other. Not like you and..." She trails off mid-sentence. "Sorry."

Donna gives her a tired smile. "I don't remember dating anyone named Sorry."

CJ looks at her hesitantly. "I just didn't know if I could..."

"I asked about the intimate details of your life, CJ. Mine are up for discussion, it's only fair."

"It's that time of night, huh?"

"Yeah. I think we've avoided it long enough, don't you?"

CJ smiles sheepishly. "You're sure?"

"I'm sure."

"I was just saying, you guys definitely had that heat, you know? You couldn't stay away from each other. Which, if you'll remember, was very inconvenient for me at times," she confesses pointedly, "But, it was sweet, you know? You were... Enamored."

Donna snorts dryly, trying not to let the dull pain of nostalgia spread into her chest. "We were certainly very good with the physical, weren't we?"

CJ remembers one specific instance, at a reception being hosted in the foyer of the White House. It was for a visiting delegation from somewhere or other. The night involved the usual amount of glitz, glamour, and barely maintained propriety. From her spot in the corner chatting to Congresswoman Wyatt, CJ couldn't help but notice DC's most enthralling sideshow, Josh and Donna, enjoying each other's company a little too much.

They weren't necessarily being inappropriate. There was just a certain intimacy to the way they were acting, that made the entire room feel like it was intruding. They'd always had that peculiar ability, even before they were dating. That night, they were the usual amount of _too close to each other,_ with his hand on her waist and their sides pressed comfortably into each other. They spoke only to each other, in low voices and directly into each other's ears, thanks to their close proximity. Their smiles were delirious and furtive.

CJ watched them with something between irritation and amusement. His other hand crept to her arm, and he began gently tracing patterns on her skin. CJ rolled her eyes. This was definitely one step too far. The action was one you might do in bed, not at a large White House reception. She started to say goodbye to Andy, fully intending to head over there and tell them in no uncertain terms to _get it together or get a room,_ but they beat her to the punch.

He leaned in to whisper something in her ear, and she giggled. He followed this up by lightly kissing her neck, which of course sounded several alarm bells in CJ's head, but a moment later they were leaving, hand in hand, slinking off toward the West Wing.

She stared after them with a furrowed brow. This couldn't possibly be good, but what was she to do? Head them off, like a stern camp counselor?

They returned some twenty or thirty minutes later, looking more delirious if possible, and considerably looser. CJ stormed over to them the moment she was able to extricate herself, and both looked totally taken aback by her demeanor.

 _"I cannot believe you two!"_

Both looked around idly. " _What?"_

 _"Did you just do what I think you did?"_

Their grins were a dead give away. " _That depends. What do you think we did?_ "

She glowered. " _Did you just leave the reception to have_ sex?"

They dissolved into laughter. " _What? No, CJ, we would never."_

Josh put a hand over his heart. " _I can't believe you'd think-"_

 _"Are you drunk?"_

They exchanged a look. " _Totally sober!"_

 _"Where did you even do it? This is the White House, you can't just-"_

 _"My office._ " He interrupted easily. Donna shot him a look. " _If we even-"_

 _"Can it, idiot boy!"_ She snarled. " _I should just send the two of you home."_

 _"This is giving me serious high school flashbacks."_ Donna told her, spirits remarkably undiminished.

Josh turned to look at her. " _Do I want to know?"_ She smiled. " _Yeah, I don't wanna know."_

CJ continued to stare at them incredulously. " _I'm serious. If you can't act in a way that doesn't reek of impropriety, then you should just-"_

 _"No, CJ."_ Josh cut her off. " _I've gotta talk to Congressman Lopez about the thing tonight."_

 _"Great! Just great!"_ She folded her arms. " _And you're in such a good mood to do it, that's perfect."_

 _"I think so."_ He said amicably.

" _We're sorry, CJ,_ " Donna said for both of them, though she looked completely unapologetic. " _It was a mistake, we shouldn't have-"_

 _"Oh, so now you regret it? That's funny, because you didn't seem so regretful a few minutes ago, when you were-"_

 _"So help me god, Lyman, if you finish that sentence..."_ CJ said warningly.

" _Right_." They dissolved into laughter again.

CJ shook her head, disbelieving. " _At least try to get the lipstick off his collar before he talks to anyone important, okay?"_

With that, she stormed off, leaving them to fumble blindly to complete her directive, still completely lost in their own world. On the surface, she was fuming, but beneath that, she felt a sort of ache. She wanted something like that. She wanted a romance that couldn't sit still through a three hour reception. She wanted a love that tugged her away from the real world, and made rules and obligations seem arbitrary. She wanted to look at someone the way they looked at each other, as if they were the only two people alive.

She gazed forlornly across the room at Danny, who was covering the event. She remembered the days when she couldn't resist grabbing him and kissing him, no matter their professional conflict of interest. If Josh and Donna had been able to figure it out, despite their (possibly worse) professional situation, why couldn't she? Why couldn't she find that kind of courage?

"You were." CJ tells her. "I have to admit, I'm a little jealous of what you had."

"Well, don't be, because I don't have it anymore." Donna says, aiming for humor and missing wildly. She winces. "Sorry, I didn't mean..."

"It's okay."

"It was pretty good for a while." Donna admits. She hugs her knees to her. "I'd never felt like that about anyone, you know? I never _wanted_ someone that much. I think I've been with people who wanted me that way, but I never... I never really felt that." She remembers with mild disgust Roy reaching under the skirt of her waitress uniform despite her obvious apathy. "But we were different. We were both in it. It wasn't imbalanced that way."

She'd never before felt so much desire brought on by such little things. Him loosening his tie, or _smiling_ could weaken her knees. And it wasn't just her - she'd see his eyes fill with desire as he watched her tie her shoes, or make coffee.

"Yeah. See, Ben and I don't have that."

"Well, the intensity comes with its drawbacks. If things go south, they implode with that same kind of intensity." She says bitterly.

"Right."

"And it sucks, you know? If anything in the world made me as happy as just _lying beside him,_ maybe things would be easier."

CJ smiles sadly. "Maybe if lying beside Ben made me happier than anything else, things would be easier."

Donna shakes her head. "Maybe."

"How's that for irony?"

Donna snorts. "Well, like I said. We were pretty good with the physical, but the verbal part wasn't so strong. The communicating."

"I don't know." CJ tells her. "You were pretty okay there, for a while."

"For a while." She agrees. "But toward the end..."

CJ takes off her glasses and attempts to clean the flecks of dirt off them. "That was your problem. You guys spilled all that stuff at the beginning, all the 'I love you' and 'you're the most important thing in my life' and suddenly you looked around and realized you'd laid it all on the line. You were in too deep. Neither of you are good with vulnerability, so you backed off."

"Yeah, that was certainly part of it." Donna sighs.

The Virginian wilderness is suddenly too quiet. The noise of the city might've interrupted them during this conversation, a honking car, a laughing group of drunk friends. It would've lightened the situation. In the peaceful forest, all Donna can hear is her own thoughts, and the cicadas. But all they serve to do is make her want to cry along with them.

Suddenly, she turns to CJ with wide eyes. "CJ, do you think he could ever forgive me?"

CJ gazes back at her with undeniable pity. "I don't know, Donna. Could you ever forgive him?"

Donna looks away. "We have very different things to forgive each other for."

"Still."

"I could." She says softly. "Of course I could. I hate that about myself, but I think I'll always be able to forgive him. For anything."

"You're that way for him, too."

Donna bites her lip. "You don't know that."

"Yeah, Donna, I do." She still looks skeptical, so CJ continues. "Do you want to forgive each other?"

"I don't know." Donna admits. "I resent that it matters so much to me, you know? Like, I don't want my life to hinge on whether or not _the guy who's had a monopoly on my life for six years_ can still stand me."

"Donna..."

"It wasn't like that with Dave." She says suddenly, forcing CJ to try and remember what 'like that' means. She says _Dave_ the way you might expect someone to say the name of their worst mistake. "Like I was talking about before, I mean. Wanting someone. I didn't want him. At first I couldn't remember much about it, because of how drunk I was, but... I'm starting to piece it together. I didn't want him at all, CJ. The entire time, I just felt numb. Apathetic. I just let it happen." She continues in a rambling fashion, "All I could think about was him. Josh, I mean. And when I woke up in the morning..."

There's such remorse in her voice that CJ doesn't need her to continue. She puts a hand on her shoulder. "Yeah, I know."

"I couldn't believe myself."

"It's okay, Donna."

"He was the only thing I wanted, and I'd ruined it, forever."

"You were upset."

"Yeah, well, he was upset too, and he didn't..." She trails off, shaking her head bitterly.

"He hurt you really badly, Donna."

"So I had to go and one up him? What is this, Hammurabi's code?"

"You've been beating yourself up for this for a long time, that's all I'm saying. Maybe it's time..."

"That's what I'm trying to do." Donna gestures broadly at their surroundings. "Moving on, and all that."

CJ rubs her back. "I'm glad."

"But I'm worried that it'll always be like this. That I won't be able to be with anyone else, because I'll just be thinking about him."

CJ attempts a smile. "Can you imagine how obnoxious Josh would be if he found out that he'd ruined you for other men?"

Donna chokes on a laugh. "Yeah."

"Don't worry. I won't tell him."

Donna takes a deep breath. "You shouldn't break up with Ben, CJ. He's a good guy."

"Well, sure, but like I said-"

"Give it time to grow. After all, it took me and Josh five years to get to that place, you know?"

CJ nods, though secretly she believes that they would've been in _that place_ even if they'd gotten together five years earlier. "Okay."

"And don't let me make the conversation all about me again, okay?"

CJ smiles. "I'm the one that made it about you, if you'll remember."

"Still." Donna shakes her head, and starts brushing off her pants. "Anyway, you ready to turn in?"

CJ looks around. During their conversation, the last of the evening light had disappeared, leaving them under a beautiful array of stars. "Yeah. I'm beat."

"Walking in the woods is harder than I imagined."

CJ snorts. "No kidding."

They were together the morning it all ended, Donna reflects fifteen minutes later, once she and CJ are tucked safely in their sleeping bags.

He'd come home late the previous night, after she'd fallen asleep. She woke up to him holding her, but she wasn't awake enough to understand why it felt foreign. Without opening his eyes, he started to kiss her, and feel her, and without opening hers, she responded with enthusiasm. The parts of her that would've told her this was wrong were still asleep, but the parts of her that wanted him were always awake. It was fast, but it was good, with that sort of hunger that only prolonged separation could bring.

They showered separately, and he looked at her wearily when she came into the kitchen. " _Are we going to talk about this?"_

" _Talk about what?"_

That's when things had gone irreparably south.

"Donna?" CJ mercifully interrupts her train of thought.

"Yeah?"

"Are you also, by chance, really cold?"

"Freezing." Donna admits.

"I thought these sleeping bags were insulated."

"Are they not?"

"Obviously not insulated enough."

"Hmm. Fair point."

A few minutes later, they're huddled together in one sleeping bag. Unable to help herself, CJ blurts, "Do you know how many men would go wild with this image?"

Donna laughs, and it fills the whole tent.

Though they'd talked about men a lot on this trip, in truth, this adventure had little to do with men. It was about _them_. It was about doing difficult things on their own, and not needing anyone else to keep them warm.

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Josh turns around twice in the middle of his living room. He paces indecisively a few times. For the life of him, he can't decide what he wants to do. He feels the same desperation that had forced his hand through a window clawing its way up his chest. He doesn't want to go to bed, even though he's beyond tired, because the bed feels _so damn big_.

That's probably why he's so tired these days.

He's haunted by the images of what might've greeted him had he come home in a similar state only a few months ago. He's not sure if the memory really exists, or if it's simply a conglomeration of many similar scenes that he'd lived.

He'd creep in the doorway, and depending on how late it was, she'd either be sprawled on the couch or curled in bed. But no matter what, when she heard him coming in, she'd blink open those sapphire blue eyes that didn't let him get away with anything.

" _Bad day?_ "

He'd shrug evasively. " _Something like that_."

She would give him the slightest, most sympathetic smile with those perfectly inviting lips. Then she'd pat the bed or couch cushion beside her. " _Come here._ "

He wonders when it is that she'd stopped caring. Or, he admits, when it was he'd given her a reason to stop trying.

The worst thing about all this is that she's the person he most wants to talk everything through with. He loves CJ, and even Toby has been helpful on occasion, but he needs his best friend.

He thought that everything about them had gotten better when they got together. She could now ease his mind with a simple touch, he could kiss the pout from her lips. Their bad days became bearable and their good days were made even better. All of their moments were magnified, intensified, and allowed to be lived to their fullest extent.

He knows now that there are some things that should've been left in the proverbial Pandora's box.

The problem is that just like in the myth, hope remains.

He thinks about her, sleeping under the stars with CJ. He imagines her moving on and away from him with every step she takes through the woods. He thinks about her slowly unlearning him, unlearning _them_ , and cauterizing the place where _they_ used to be forever.

He picks up his phone, dials a familiar number, and starts to explain. Everything.

Because busting the window didn't get him anywhere he wanted to be.

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 **I'm just going to leave this confusing, ambiguous, sad thing here until next time, when I actually explain their breakup...**

 **Also, I think CJ and Ben weren't together this early in the series, but I moved them forward a little for the purposes of this story.**

 **Thanks for reading! Sorry for the, ya know, crippling sadness.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This is my least popular story but I. Love. It. So. Much. So I'm sorry guys you might just have to bear with me a while longer. Believe me I can't wait until the day my brain quits being obsessed with this and moves on to things you actually want to read.**

 **Also, I expected a lot more angry "Oh my god did she cheat on him? Wtf?" reviews on my last chapter, but I was pleasantly surprised. I'm going to keep mum on whether she did or not for now ;) All in due time.**

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 _Sometimes with one I love I fill myself with rage for fear I effuse unreturn'd love,_

 _But now I think there is no unreturn'd love, the pay is certain one way or another_

 _(I loved a certain person ardently and my love was not return'd,_

 _Yet out of that I have written these songs)._

 _-Walt Whitman_

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The beginning of the end was jealousy. Which was funny, upon reflection, because their problems really had nothing to do with Amy, or Dave. But there it was.

When Amy Gardner was hired at the White House, Donna didn't pretend that the news didn't sour her morning coffee a little. She disliked Amy, not just due to circumstance, but a genuine personality conflict (few believed her, but it was true). But the news didn't make her panic, and she was secure enough in her relationship to believe that adding in an ex-girlfriend at close proximity wouldn't rock the boat. Josh and Amy's relationship wasn't overly serious (but then, none of his were), whereas she and Josh had managed to pass the big 'I love you' and moving-in signposts without major mishap. She felt a secure sense of superiority.

Of course, the situation wasn't without its irritating aspects. One of the most striking things about Amy, Donna had always thought, was how similar she was to Josh. She was only proved right by her behavior post-breakup - Josh and Amy both had the less than winning quality of _ego driven jealousy_. This meant that both felt jealousy after relationships, but only when the other person was demonstrably moving on. The worst part was that it had no root in actually wanting the other person back - it was simply resultant of a bruised ego. Each wanted every person they'd ever been with to be hung up on them forever.

Thankfully, Josh didn't really seem to care about Amy once he started dating Donna (probably because he was definitely _winning_ the post breakup power battle), but Amy couldn't quite seem to move on. Donna wasn't fully convinced that it could be blamed entirely on her ego - she'd always suspected Amy cared more for Josh than she wanted to let on.

Either way, putting the two in a building together for most hours of the day inevitably led to some chaffing. Amy had more and more occasion to witness Josh's new relationship, and his newfound happiness, and thus found excuses to hang around him more often. She got in jabs here and there about age differences and college degrees. Donna had long since moved jobs, and was now working on the Hill under Congresswoman Wyatt, but she was still in and around the West Wing enough to notice Amy's condescending demeanor and obvious preening in front of her ex-boyfriend.

Of course, Amy tried to be subtle. She mentioned dates she was going on and men who were courting her, but the more Josh didn't seem to care, the more brazen her antics became. Amy hated nothing less than being ignored.

One day, Donna strolled into the West Wing, intent to drag Josh down to the mess for a fifteen minute cup of coffee because their lunch plans had fallen through. She leaned around his doorframe with a smile, only to start and immediately recoil. Inside, Amy was perched on his desk, legs crossed and chest thrust out _just so_ in that way that had made many a man forget his vows for a night or two. Her skirt was inching up her thighs and her blouse didn't have quite enough buttons, apparently, and for some reason Donna thought absurdly of the phrase _dress for the job you want, not the job you have._

The scene had been, honestly, completely innocent. Josh wasn't staring at her as he once might've, but instead distractedly scrolling through something on his computer screen. He wasn't overly close to her, his hands were where she could see them, and the door was wide open, after all. If she'd seen him in the same position with, say, CJ, she wouldn't have thought twice about it.

No, it's not that the scene was incriminating. In fact, deep down, she knew Josh would never do anything. He loved her, and he was loyal. The problem was that the scene gave her such intense flashbacks to the _Days of Amy_ that it made her stomach churn involuntarily. How many times had she walked past a similar scene, only for Josh to call out, "Hey, could you close the door?"

She would oblige, Amy's gloating smile following her all day.

Her instincts told her to run. She couldn't explain it if she tried, but she needed to get out of there. She turned on her heel and started to walk uncertainly back out of the bullpen, but unfortunately Josh had seen her in the brief two seconds she'd appeared in his doorway.

He had caught a glimpse of the familiar blonde hair (which gave him an inexplicable feeling of coming home), and he'd whipped around when it vanished only a second later. He furrowed his brow, not really listening to what Amy was saying (not that he had been before) and got up from his chair, brushing past her dismissively.

He caught up with her just before the double doors out of the bullpen. " _Donna_?"

She turned around with an overly bright smile. " _Oh, hey!"_

He gave her a confused look, placing his hands on her arms. " _I thought I saw you. What's going on?"_

She allowed him to kiss her in greeting, and then folded her arms in forced casualness. " _Nothing, nothing! I just thought I'd come see you. You know, drag you down to the mess for fifteen minutes because it's been a long day, and it's shaping up to be even longer by the time we finally get home, so..."_ She babbled. She shook her head once. " _But, you looked busy, so I..."_

 _"I'm not busy."_ He said immediately.

" _Oh, you're not?"_ She sounded ridiculous even to her own ears. " _Because-"_

 _"Donna._ " He cut her off with a scrutinizing expression. " _Are you okay?_ "

She looked away from him. " _I'm fine. Totally fine. I just..."_

 _"Is this because of Amy?"_ He asked bluntly.

" _No_!" She said hotly. _"I mean, no, I didn't expect to see her, and it reminded me of, well, it doesn't matter, but-"_

He smiled slightly, watching her blush. " _Aw, you're jealous."_

She reeled back incredulously. " _No, I am not_ jealous _, Joshua, I can't believe you'd-"_

His smile grew. " _You're adorable."_

She spluttered. " _I... What?"_

 _"I can't believe this."_

She relented with a frown, her arms falling to her sides. " _Okay. It's possible -_ possible _\- that I want to stab her eyes out with a rusty fork. Or something. I don't know."_

He looked impossibly giddy. _"I can't believe this! You're jealous. Oh my gosh, this is the best day of my life."_

She glared at him. " _Not helping."_

 _"Sorry."_ He carefully brought her in with his hands on her waist. " _I'm sorry, this is just, wow."_

She smiled reluctantly. " _Josh."_

 _"You're jealous. It's cute, honestly."_

 _"Can we please move past this?"_

 _"Do you want me to make her leave?"_

She blinked in surprise. " _What?"_

 _"Yeah, c'mon, I'll kick her out."_

 _"You don't have to..."_

 _"Wasn't about anything important, anyway."_ Without allowing her any more room to protest, he guided her back to his office with a hand on the small of her back. They stood in the doorway, and Amy turned around with a bored expression. " _Amy, could you give us the room?"_

She tried to look even more apathetic and unaffected. " _Okay, whatever. Are we going to pick this up some other time, or...?"_

 _"We'll see."_ He said as she brushed past him, a little closer than was necessary.

 _"I guess we will. See you, J_." She smiled. " _Donna_."

Josh closed the door behind her, and lead a smiling Donna back behind his desk. " _See? Easy. Now it's all yours."_

She rolled her eyes, sliding back onto his desk. " _Thanks. You didn't have to do that, but..."_

He stood between her legs, smiling that infuriating smile. _"I'm all yours too, by the way. I should mention that."_

She tried to keep from melting. _"I know."_

 _"Good."_

She pulled him to her for a kiss, coffee in the mess long forgotten, and was reminded suddenly of a night a few weeks ago. They were in this same position, on the night of an important reception, doing things CJ would later berate them for. She opened her eyes and gave him a look that was somewhere between suspicious and insecure. " _You never... Here... With her, right?"_ He looked at her blankly, so she shook her head, blushing. " _Forget it, I don't want to know, it's-"_

" _Oh, no._ " He realized what she meant. " _Donna, no. We never... Don't worry about it."_

She brightened. " _Really_?"

He grinned. " _This desk was totally innocent until you came along."_

 _"Glad to here it."_

 _"You shouldn't be. You scarred her."_

 _"Her?"_

 _"Ships are women, my desk can't be?"_

She tangled her hands in his hair. _"I love you."_

Dave was something else entirely.

A couple months into their relationship, Andy Wyatt had a staff reception at her house in DC to celebrate reaching their campaign contribution goal. Donna successfully wheedled Josh into going with her.

" _You're still coming tonight, right?"_

 _"Oh yeah, sure. Might go separately, a little later, I've got some work to catch up on, but-"_

 _"Joshua!_ " She hissed down the phone. " _No! You're coming with me."_

He blinked in incredulity, trying to find someone around to express his indignation to. He was alone in his office. " _Well, yeah, but-"_

 _"If you don't come with me at eight, you're not coming at all. I know you."_

 _"Donna."_

 _"You promised. You promised you'd come to one of my work things, because I always go to yours, so-"_

 _"We basically have the same work things, Donna."_

 _"Not always! And you have so many more, and I'm always game to play arm candy, but-"_

He laughed. " _Arm candy? Donna, you come to all the White House events because you miss the place, and you like everyone here."_

 _"And because you beg me!"_

 _"I don't beg."_

She affected a whiny voice that he supposed was an impression of him. "' _Donna, you have to come tonight, you've gotta pull me away from Congressman Lowell when I give the signal,' 'Donna, please, I'll be so bored without you,' 'Donna, c'mon, I need to impress someone.' Need I go on?"_

 _"Okay, okay."_ He relented in a grumble. _"I see your point."_

 _"Plus, everyone knows I'm seeing someone, and everyone knows that it's you, because we're apparently something of a favorite DC spectacle, so if you don't come then everyone will know that my dumb White House boyfriend had more important things to do than come with me."_

 _"Well, I do, actually."_

 _"Josh!"_

 _"I'm kidding, relax. I'm on my way to your office as we speak, I'll pick you up, are you happy?"_

She sighed. " _Very_."

The reception was pleasant enough. Donna's coworkers, like most people, loved her. Many were either familiar with Josh or intimidated by him, as his reputation on the hill preceded him. But once they'd gotten over their hero worship and/or fear, they liked him, and he made enough of an effort to appease Donna. Midway through the evening, she was quite pleased with how things were going, and let Josh know so.

" _See, this isn't so bad, right?"_

 _"Can't complain."_

 _"Thank you for being on your best behavior."_

He smiled. " _I'm not a child, Donnatella."_

She kissed his cheek, making his smile even wider. " _Of course not."_

Dave came in late.

" _Dave!"_ The Congresswoman greeted him jovially as he bowed sheepishly in the doorway.

" _Sorry. Was finishing up the press release."_

 _"Don't apologize! Let's get this man a drink."_

Dave hadn't been working for the Congresswoman for long, as he'd just joined her staff after the Senator he worked for retired after the end of his term in 2002. Still, he outranked Donna a little bit in seniority. He was a dedicated communications staffer, and had held the responsibility of acting as training wheels for Donna during her first few weeks on the job.

After getting his drink, Dave sidled over to her with a smile. " _Donna."_

 _"Dave, hi."_ She turned to Josh to make the proper introductions. " _This is Josh. Josh, this is-"_

 _"Dave Patterson."_ He extended a hand. " _We've met a few times."_

Josh accepted his handshake with a blank look. " _Have we?_ " Donna elbowed him in the ribs. " _I mean, of course, Dave, right."_

Dave smiled and shook his head. " _Don't worry about it. I'm sure you meet a lot of congressional nobodies."_

 _"Right."_ Donna gave him an affronted look. "You're _not a nobody."_ He told her.

She rolled her eyes, and Dave chuckled. " _Anyway. How'd you fair during that meeting with Collins?"_

Her eyes lit up. " _Oh, pretty well. I think so, anyway. He agreed to the timeline we discussed."_

 _"Of course he did. You always knock 'em dead."_ Dave smiled and touched her arm briefly. Josh frowned.

" _Ah, well, not always."_

 _"You're talking about the budget thing?"_

 _"I practically melted in front of them."_

 _"That was months ago."_ He said dismissively. " _And it wasn't even that bad."_

She scoffed.

" _It wasn't! You were railing off facts like there was no tomorrow, and sure it was a little weird, but you obviously knew your stuff, and hell, it was cute. You won us some points with the whole 'good girl whigging out' bit, I swear."_

She shrugged. " _I'm not so sure."_

 _"I am."_ He enthused. " _Anyway, what are you drinking? I'll get you another."_

 _"Um, Rusty Nail?"_

He snapped his fingers. " _Thought so. I'll be back."_

He disappeared, leaving a silence that for Donna felt totally normal, and for Josh seemed tense and uncomfortable. " _So that's_ Dave."

" _Yeah_." Donna didn't understand why he said it like that. " _He's nice, right?"_

Josh gave her a strange smile. " _Sure, that's one word for it."_

She turned to face him, noticing that his arm had crept possessively around her waist during the conversation. " _What?"_

 _"_ Dave _wants to sleep with you."_

She reeled back in shock. Heat colored her cheeks. " _What? That's insane."_

He shrugged. " _Hey, don't worry about it. It's a guy thing, that's all. I can tell._ "

She blinked a few times, feeling unreasonably ashamed. " _We just work together, that's all."_

 _"Yeah, well we just worked together, Donna."_ She gave him a wounded look. _"I don't mean..."_

 _"He's just being nice."_

He gave her that same strange smile, that meant he wanted her to think he was joking even though he wasn't. " _You're being naïve."_

She glared at him. " _Don't call me naïve."_

 _"Donna..."_

 _"Listen, your 'guy thing' radar's off, because you seem to think a lot of guys in DC want to sleep with me."_

He gave her a knowing look, as if to say, _well, they do. "You've seen yourself, right?"_

She thought she'd known the extent of Josh's jealousy. It was ego driven. It was jabs at Lloyd Russell, despite the fact that he would've gagged at the prospect of taking Mandy back. It was stealing Amy from another man. It wasn't _this_.

But then, it had been a little different with her from the beginning. He'd sabotaged her dates, nicknamed her boyfriends, and scared away more than a few potential suitors. She had to admit that that was a little beyond his typical egotistical pattern. But she thought all that would've stopped when they got together. He wasn't the jealous type, not really.

Of course, maybe she should've seen the signs. Maybe him calling her pathetic and lacking in self esteem in the bullpen - all because she dared to _dress up for a date -_ should've clued her in.

He wasn't just jealous. He was downright possessive.

Her throat hurt with the threat of tears. She looked away from him. " _You sound like..."_ She couldn't finish the thought. She couldn't bear it.

His twisted grin fell away, and he looked irreparably wounded. He turned her to face him, his eyes filled with remorse. " _What, Donna?"_

She shook her head, her eyes starting to water.

He grabbed her hand and gently lead her outside to Andy's terrace. He closed the door behind him and took her hands in his. " _Donna. What were you going to say?"_

She bit her lip, trying to keep from crying. In a whisper, she completed, " _You sound like Roy."_

She watched his heart break.

" _I mean, you don't sound like Roy, because of course you don't, because you don't care what I wear, and you don't yell at me, and you haven't dragged me out of the party yet-"_

" _I'm so sorry."_ He interrupted. He pulled her tightly wound body into a hug, and she gratefully collapsed into his arms. " _I'm so, so sorry."_

A few tears escaped. " _No, I'm sorry, I'm overreacting-"_

 _"No, you're not. I was being a jackass, I'm sorry. I just... I just love you, and I'm sorry."_

She didn't tell him that Roy used to say _I just love you_ too. " _It's okay."_

 _"I'm serious."_

 _"I know."_ She kept her face buried in his shoulder. " _The jealous thing is cute, most of the time, and being possessive is sweet, most of the time, it's just-"_

 _"I know."_ He tangled one hand in her hair and ran the other gently over her back. " _I'm sorry."_

There were some other things she should've said. That she didn't deserve to feel like all men wanted only one thing from her. That accepting kindness shouldn't be considered an act of naïveté, or betrayal. That she didn't want to believe men only saw value in her appearance, and treated her as such. That she didn't deserve to have her boyfriend, her best friend, reinforce that idea.

But she didn't say any of that. She left it there, and let him hold her.

Dave passed by the window with a Rusty Nail in hand, and frowned.

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Given how cold it was last night, the morning CJ and Donna embark on their second day of trekking is impossibly warm. It's actually quite pleasant, for November, but they'd dressed for _worst case scenario_ November.

"Wanna stop here and take our jackets off?"

"Good call." Donna pants.

They pause at a slight clearing along the trail and set their packs down on the ground. Both utilize the opportunity to guzzle some water, and then take off their fleeces. Looking up from retying her boot, CJ squints at Donna's t-shirt.

"Hey, isn't that..."

Donna looks down in a panic, as if there might be a bug on her. It wouldn't be the first time. "What?"

"No, your shirt." CJ starts to regret saying anything in the first place, but Donna's still looking at her inquisitively, so she goes on. "Isn't that, you know, Josh's?"

Donna looks down at her faded, over large gray t-shirt in confusion. "What? No, it's mine." She frowns. "I've had this for..."

CJ sinks back on her heels. "Donna."

"What?"

"It has a Mets logo."

Donna raises a hand to her mouth. "Oh my god, you're right!"

"Looks like you did bring something of his for us to burn, after all." CJ tries to joke.

"I've had it for so long, it just blended into my wardrobe. I've been sleeping in it, and wearing it, and I didn't even think to-" in a wild gesture of frustration, Donna rips the offending shirt over her head. "God _damn_ it!"

CJ watches her with wide eyes as she breathes heavily. "Um, Donna?"

"I hate this!" She exclaims. She looks borderline unhinged, standing without a shirt, hair messed up by the shirt's violent removal, raving into the quiet Virginia woods. "I hate this! I hate that our lives were so together, that _we_ had a life, one life, _together_ , that I forgot which parts are mine! I have to pick apart my entire life."

Something on her rib cage catches CJ's attention. And it's not the prominence of her ribs - though that's a little scary too. "Oh my god, Donna!"

Her expression sets off the bug alarms again. Donna twists around wildly, looking even more insane. "What, what is it? A spider?"

"You have a tattoo!"

"What?" Donna looks down at herself. "Oh, yeah."

"When did you get a tattoo?" CJ asks, bewildered. It's not as though she sees Donna in a state of undress often, but she feels like she would've known about this.

Donna gives her a sheepish look. "Three weeks ago."

CJ looks at her in horror. "Tell me it's not..."

"What?"

"Did you get an impulsive breakup tattoo?"

Donna glares at her. "No! The breakup was two months ago."

"Yeah, but..."

"And it didn't have anything to do with him!"

"Just like how this trip doesn't have anything to do with him?"

Donna sags in defeat. The t-shirt in her hand stirs idly in the wind. "Yeah, okay."

"Let me see it." CJ commands. Thus far, she's been twisting around too much for her to get a good look.

Donna obliges. She stands to the side, and moves her arm so that CJ can see the words inked there in simple script: _Yet out of that I have written these songs._ "It's Walt Whitman. _Leaves of Grass_."

"Oh." CJ squints. "What does it mean?"

"Well, he wrote it in a love poem, about unrequited love. He was saying that though it hurt, it was worth it, because out of that he'd gotten the inspiration for his poetry."

"Okay..." CJ's still nonplussed.

"For me it's about how the hard things in life make you." She looks almost embarrassed. "How some terrible things have happened to me, but out of that, I've gotten some wonderful things. I am who I am today because of it, and I don't regret anything."

"Yet out of that I have written these songs." CJ concludes. She gets it. The tattoo is about Josh, but it's not just about Josh.

"He was a huge part of my life for so long. And I could choose to hate him, to hate everything to do with him, but... A lot of great things came from that part of my life, CJ."

"Yeah."

And then they're just staring at each other, one on the ground, the other standing shirtless. They're disturbed after a minute or so by a group of three male hikers, who come through the clearing and slow down suddenly, eyes widening.

Donna smiles dryly as they stare at her. "Hey, fellas. Nice day, huh?"

They all stammer something like, "Oh, sure..."

CJ stands up, rolling her eyes. "Alright, let's keep it moving. We came to enjoy nature, not you leering."

Donna snorts as the men high tail it out of the clearing. She sighs and shrugs Josh's shirt back over her head. "Thanks, CJ."

"Anytime." She gives her a smile. "Can I just say, though? I truly resent that the guy you have an 'important part of my life,' impulsive breakup tattoo for is _Josh Lyman."_

Donna laughs, gathering her pack. "You and me both."

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 **I thought I could fit their breakup into one chapter, but it might be two? Or three? I'm so sorry.**

 **Thanks so much for reading! I hope you all have a great weekend.**


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